Here is a history of all of my performances for the Punniest of Show competition in the annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships held in Austin, TX every May.
2007 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship Entry
In late 2006, I had a sudden medical emergency when my optometrist (Dr. Bob Joe of Austin , TX) detected that I had a detached retina during a routine annual eye examination. Detached retinas are so serious that my eye doctor arranged for me to see an eye surgeon within two hours of detecting the issue, and I had eye surgery the next day! Quite a whirlwind.
Luckily, my eye surgeon (Dr. Mark Levitan of Austin,TX) was fantastic and after about six months, the eye that had experienced the detached retina had healed. Along with contacts that were a bit stronger than the ones I had before the ordeal, I was able to regain 20/20 corrected vision. I'm still amazed by that.
So, I decided to write an eye-based pun for the 2007 Pun-Off. I wasn't quite as happy with it as some of my earlier entries.
The entry received 32 out of 40 points in the 2007 Pun-Off and tied for 12th out of 31 entries. I was simply happy to finish in the top half.
This is a true story.
Last December, I went in for a routine eye checkup. My optometrist discovered I had a detached retina and would need eye surgery the next day.
I was surprised because my eye had not been trouBLINK me. IRIS I didn't need the surgery, but on the other hand, I didn't want to go blind... even though that would make me EX-SIGHTED. Years ago, blindness was a big handicap, but today it's less of ASTIGMATISM. I just wanted to get it done and avoid making a SEEN.
That night, before the surgery, I went into OUTLOOK and emailed all my CONTACTS. Friends replied back asking if they could LENS a hand.
The next day, I tried not to become MASCARAcal with fear. The hospital was A SITE FOR SORE EYES. I was put under, and awoke with my EYES WIDE SHUT with bandages. I looked like a pirate, but the O.R. was on the first floor so I was able to avoid all the STARES.
I went home to recover. I downloaded some R.E.M. to my IPOD. I LASIK in bed, CATARACTed with tension. I lost my appetite and EYEDROPPED 5 pounds. My wife LASHED out at me for not eating. EYEBALLed her out at first, but then EYEPATCHed things up with her to avoid a diVISION between us. "Don't be CROSS," EYE said, "GLAUCOMA over here. I'll eat the MACULA roni and cheese and drink the EYES TEA you made me."
LIDDLE by LIDDLE I got better. I just had to AQUEOUS, HUMORfully, to my fate, BIFOCALsing on the positive and remaining OPTIC-mistic.
And so, EYE CANDY-light in the fact that now that I've put myself in the public eye and made a SPECTACLE of myself up here through these CORNEA jokes, I've truly made it past a very EYE-OPENING EXPERIENCE.
2006 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship Entry
One of my goals when I compete in the Pun-Off is to avoid picking a pun theme that someone else may pick. In 2006, I decided to pick Austin, TX street names, just for a fun topic that no one else had chosen previously, to my knowledge. I was somewhat happy with the entry, mainly because of the novel subject area.
I told the entry in the style of a Garrison Keillor Guy Noir-like detective voice.
I can't recall the exact score I received with the entry, but it did score more than 30 points and finished in the top half of the entries..
In 2010, one contestant also picked Austin street names and did a much better job with them than I did below, placing third in the Punniest of Show after a clap-off for a four way tie for second place.
Lance Austin. Private Eye. The WINDSOR blowing over the CAPITAL OF TEXAS, into my office WINDOAK. Business had gone SOUTHRIDGE. Then, she WALKER’d through my DORSET.
I sat up in my SETON and looked her OVERDALE. Tall. STECKed. Her hair had BEN WHITEned to a BRIGHTON platinum blonde and she wore distinctive GOLIAD earrings.
"I HOPI you can be dis-STREET, Mr. Austin", she said.
"I GIVENS you my WORDWORTH all my RESEARCH will be secret, Miss…?"
"Beatrice Cave. BEE CAVE for short. Bud Cave is my husband."
I had RED BUD was a big WHEELER in town and was ROLLINGWOOD in DOBIE.
"I think Bud is FAYLIN around," she said. "I want you to TAYLOR him and see what’s going OHLEN."
I took her CASEY. Eventually, I followed Bud to an apartment where he met a beautiful BURNET. I was outside, about to turn my CAMERON, when suddenly a COAL SHREAK* PEASE’d the air. I ran up, and there, LYMAN on the floor, was a dead BRODIE. Bud had been SLAUGHTERed. But a GOLD WING earring next to Bud caught my I-35. Bee had made a MESAtake.
The police ENFIELD me in later. Bee tried to kill Bud for his inTARRYTOWNce. She disguised herself and LOURIE’d Bud to the apartment. I WEST to be the witness. But the cops knew how to BRAKER, and she CONGRESSed to the crime. They’re sending her up the RIVERSIDE for preMETRICtated MYRTLE.”
"Ah, WELLESLEY, LAMARrow is another DAVIS" I thought, as I walked OLTORF my office.
* COAL SHREEK is a spoonerism of SHOAL CREEK
2003 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship Entry
This was my rookie entry into the Punniest of Show competition, and, so far, the one that I am most proud of. It was an entry based on Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-changin'" but with world city names substituted.
I started on it several months before the event. The first line I developed was "SASKATOON shake YORBA LINDA-ows and SEATTLE SIOUX FALLS", and worked through various lyrics off and on over the ensuring weeks. About a month before the event, I began working on it in more earnest, carefully looking through world atlases for appropriately-sounding city names, as well as choosing exactly which full stanzas of the original song would be best to deliver. I was also happy with the phrase "Come VIENNA TOURS BONN-MADRAS-men...". Finally, the line "The rattle outside BEIJING" is an exact spoonamore of the original.
I then rented a scruffy-looking wig from a costume rental shop, and wore a brown leather jacket, to simulate a Bob Dylan look. During the actual performance, I played a rather bad few notes on my harmonica, which got a lot of laughs as well. I memorized the entire entry in order to give it without reading from a piece of paper, since I believe the judges look a bit more positively on performances that are fully memorized, especially if you are trying to land a top score in the competition. Finally, I semi-sang the whole thing in a bad but purposely caricaturing Bob Dylan singing voice.
I remember Gary Hallock doubling over in laughter next to me as I gave it. He later told me that was one of his favorite songs, apparently. For those in the audience that knew the original lyrics to the song, it went over tremendously. For those who were unfamiliar with the original lyrics, not as much.
The entry received 37 out of 40 points, and tied for third place. A clap-off was conducted, and Steve Nagle won the clap-off and took home the third-place medal for 2003.
(To the tune of "The Times They Are A-changing" by Bob Dylan)
Come GAITHERSBURG FREEPORT wherever you ROME
And ad-MIDLAND CLEARWATER-s around you have grown
And accept it RANGOON you'll be DRESDEN to LYON
If YORKTOWN TOULOUSE FORT WORTH SABINE
Then you better STUTTGART swimmin' or HELSINKI TOMBSTONE
For the TOWNS, they are a changin'
(HARMONICA)
Come RIYADH-s and REYKJAVIK-s who PROPHETSTOWN with your pen
And keep TELLURIDE the chance won't WAUKEGAN
Don't PIKES PEAK too soon for SEVILLE's still in spin
And FRESNO tellin' who that it's NANJING
'Cause VANCOUVER now will be later TURIN
For the TOWNS, they are a-changin'
(HARMONICA)
Come VIENNA TOURS BONN-MADRAS-men please heed DAKAR
Don't STANTON the doorway, don't block OMAHA
For he who GETTYSBURG will be he who has stalled
The rattle outside BEIJING
SASKATOON shake YORBA LINDA-ows and SEATTLE SIOUX FALLS
For the TOWNS, they are a changin'
(HARMONICA)
Come mothers and fathers throughout OAKLAND
And don't criti-SUEZ what you can't SAMARKAND
Your SUNDANCE STILLWATER-s are beyond your CLEVELAND
Your PUEBLO is RAPID CITY agin'
Please get out of the NEWARK if you can't KENTLAND YORK CANNES
For the TOWNS, they are a changin'
(HARMONICA)